On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
