Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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