1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
