Fine. I'll sleep in my office
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
