Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
