You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
