I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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