I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Farmville is her only friend.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
