I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
