The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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