Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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