I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
