Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
