I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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