im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
