It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
