i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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