Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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