I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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