Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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