I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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