k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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