in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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