made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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