you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
