Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
