They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
