how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
