Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize