the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
