My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize