i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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