All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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