He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
