once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
