Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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