I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
