I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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