FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
