Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
