I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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