I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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