Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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