I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
