When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
