Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
