I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize