I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Randomize
