eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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