hotel room ftw
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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