You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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