I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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