you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
