I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
