The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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