He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
