take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
