I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
