were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
