Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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