Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
