Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
