I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
