shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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