I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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