i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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