eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
