Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
