I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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