If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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