Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize