Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I FOUND THE LEGS
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
