the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Randomize