Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
